Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
