I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
