finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
