Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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