Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
