he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
