The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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