The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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