I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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