That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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