Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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