Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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