I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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