dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
