I just pynch a tree in the face
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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