a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment