I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
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she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.