So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
