he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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