you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
