Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
