I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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