I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
