I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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