My friends, they love my intelligence
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
