I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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