Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
