First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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