Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
