my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
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i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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