Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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