Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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