who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
