It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
