Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
