Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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