Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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