Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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