when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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