Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
