Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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