toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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