I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
