Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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