This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
