arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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