I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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