My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The beers last night were like the tears from god
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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