I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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