Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
