You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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