I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
