Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
