I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
