you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
